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Fantasy Verses Reality



Isiah-Rebecca McKimmie – Sex and Relationship Coach and Owner of Passionate Spirit.

Oooh yes!  Sexual fantasy is one of my favourite topics!

Sexual fantasies can be a great doorway to greater sexual pleasure, excitement and understanding of ourselves.  There is so much about ourselves that is revealed when we examine our sexual fantasies!

Are fantasies normal?

Sexual fantasies are normal, common and play a key role in a healthy and vital sex life. Topic and frequency of sexual fantasy varies greatly from person-to-person. Most of us have sexual fantasies at some stage.

Fantasies are when you are thinking about sex or sexual acts when you’re not actually doing them.

Many people tell me that they don’t have sexual fantasies, but when we examine their day dreams and thoughts about sex, we discover that they do. These fantasies vary, they can be fleeting, brief and for some barely sexual at all.

A daydream for example, is a fantasy. Sexual fantasy can be as simple as watching TV and for a moment you imagine you are one of those characters, or you may see an attractive man or woman on the street and for a moment you wonder what it would be like to make love to them.

People can often be worried that there is something wrong them when they have fantasies or that something is wrong with their fantasies.  Let me assure you that there are a wide range of sexual fantasies.

The absence of any sexual fantasy can be a good indicator of a severe lack of sexual desire. If you have never had a fantasy, it doesn’t mean you’re not able to. Developing sexual fantasy may actually be a way of boosting your desire levels. 

Fantasies can be great source of pleasure and excitement for you and your partner.

Sharing your sexual fantasies with you partner can add spice and intimacy to your relationship. Be aware that it requires good communication, trust and safety. Here are some tips to get you started:

Set clear agreements with each other before you begin to share. 

Don’t judge your partner or make them feel ashamed of their fantasies. 

Choose wisely when sharing your fantasies. I’m all for truth and openness, but telling your husband that you fantasize about his brother may not be the best way of bringing you closer together.

There is nothing wrong with having a fantasy but be aware that acting it out can have consequences. Sometimes just talking about a fantasy can be exciting enough.  Some things can be more exciting when kept a fantasy. For example, my fantasy of eating an entire block of chocolate is never as good when I actually act it out.

If you do choose to act out a fantasy with your partner, negotiate the details carefully.  Set clear boundaries and guidelines to ensure you are both comfortable.

Examining your sexual fantasies can also be a great doorway to understanding you deeper desires and motivations around sex and your relationships.  But that’s a whole other article.

Have fun exploring!

Isiah-Rebecca McKimmie is a certified Somatic sex therapist and studied at the Institute for the Advanced Studies of Human Sexuality in the US.  She has additional qualifications in Gestalt psychotherapy and Tantra.  Isiah has now been helping people improve their sex lives and relationships for over five years including working previously as a sex surrogate alongside top psychologists.  Isiah owns Passionate Spirit, a world-wide coaching organisation that inspires love and passion through great sex and better relationships.  Passionate Spirit provides education, practical skills and compassionate support to help people develop self-confidence, more fulfilling sex lives and truly intimate relationships.

Pauline Ryeland – Intimacy and Sexual Coach, Educator and Healer

When you are in a relationship there sometimes comes a time when sex can become a little mundane and ordinary.  My view is that sex should be explosive and amazing all the time, so why wait until it gets to that point.

Lover’s Masks

There is nothing like bringing a little fantasy or what I refer to as different lover’s masks into your sex life. This adds new layers to your loving, to your experiences and to your creativity.  Playing with different aspects can allow you to explore areas that you normally may not. Perhaps you maybe a little uncomfortable, shy or feeling inhibited which is not necessarily a bad thing. It allows you to look at all sides of your sexual being and to explore these areas in a comfortable environment with a that partner you trust.

I believe that the popularity of “50 Shades of Grey”, has opened up the area of fantasy play for a lot of women, especially in relation to bondage and submissive roles. Now this can be explored in a way that is comfortable and most certainly not to the extreme that it is explored in the series with any violence attached to it.  Stop and think for a moment, then ask yourself how would it feel to be tied-up and blindfolded by your partner, does that thought scare you or excite you? What delicious things could be done to you whilst in that position?  This is a great way to develop a fantasy. By looking at the soft sides of dominance and submissiveness and how that can be explored.

Whenever you explore fantasy, it’s really important to discuss what you are going to do with your partner first, talk about what you would like to do and have agreements and boundaries in place. Remember, if you cannot go and explore without trust in the other person, then don’t go there.

Another point to remember is that our social conditioning can dictate to our perceptions of fantasy, which suggest that it can be dangerous to a relationship. However, I totally disagree. Basically, there are two types of fantasies, those that are shared and not acted on, such as if Brad Pitt were in the room…, and then there are those that are shared, agreed to and planned, such as role playing.

Sex is vital for health and empowerment, so be courageous and look at how you would like to explore and express yourself. The more you can open yourself up to play and explore your imagination, the more it will take your relationship to new levels.

Explore and Get Curious

Get curious with yourself, look at ways you can bring fun into sex. This may involve getting dressed-up in your sexy lingerie and telling your partner to come into the room so you can surprise them.  Or you may make them sit down and do a sexy strip-tease for them and then perform some sexy moves on them with your special outfit on. I guarantee they are going to love it for many reasons. Why? Well. it’s not what normally happens, and this alone for many is a turn-on. Plus, we all love to see our partner in some sexy gear.

You can do so much and explore so many different lover’s masks, the sky really is the limit. Your only limitation is your imagination. Don’t be afraid to let this run away with you as the more you allow yourself to indulge, the more you can explore.

Of course, don’t think that by using fantasy that usual sex will become boring or dull. Instead, think that by using fantasy it will enhance your sexual relationship and will build new depths and layers to yourself and your partner in terms of your overall relationship, which ultimately is what it’s all about.

Pauline Ryland works as an intimacy and  sexuality coach, educator and healer and draws on a variety of techniques. She combines working with two different styles of NLP to create change on an unconscious level/and or work with the body drawing on a myriad of healing techniques using energy to promote sexual healing and awakening. Pauline also teaches and educates on how to raise your sexual energy (libido) and interest as well as teaching a variety of Tantric and Shamanic principles including breath work. People who see Pauline are either having challenges with intimacy, sex or their sexuality or are wanting more out of their sexual experiences. She also teach couples how to connect into each more on a deeper level.

Paradise – Sexual Healer and Mentor

This is where life takes a turn from reality and the fun begins as you explore the fantasy.

Today’s lifestyles are very much 24/7. We live life in the fast lane and no matter how much we try and take the time to relax and enjoy life’s little pleasures, many people just don’t have or don’t take the time. This is where we often have fantasies about holidays, relaxing getaways, romantic rendezvous and wild interludes. Yet, the reality of life gets in the way and these exciting thoughts and fantasies become harder to relate to and seem further away, often getting to a point where we begin to think, ‘it will never happen.’

For many people there is the assumption that things that are a fantasy should stay as a fantasy, and in other cases fantasy for some is so far away from their current reality that it wouldn’t be possible to make it reality. Of course, in some instances some fantasies are best left in the dark corners of your mind, and only used as a form of stimulation for your own personal pleasures.

When dabbling to make your fantasy into a reality, there are ways you can go about it without trying to live out  the entire fantasy as it is in your mind.  Your partner should be an important player in your fantasy as you bring it into reality. So some adjustments may be required depending on how adventurous you have been with your intimacy in the past. Here are some key points for you to make fantasy a reality:

  • Start small – Break down your fantasy into  sections so that you can enjoy it in clusters. Think of other possible ways that you can turn an extreme scenario into something lighter. This way your partner is be able to help make your fantasy a reality. For example, in your fantasy you may be seduced by a female contortionist or a hunky man who can pick you up with one arm, but in reality this may not be possible. So a little adjustment may be needed. You may also fantasize about physical aspects that you know you are not capable of, this is common, and can often be what fantasies are based around. After all we all dream of doing things that we know may never be a possibility.
  • Always ensure your sharing your fantasies with the right person – For some, a fantasy is just that, a fantasy. These people have no desire to explore it any further. These fantasies are special. We all have those, and they rarely come to light. However, some people are able to share anything with their partners and this for many in this situation is a form of communication and is unconditional and accepting of all aspects of the partner. If you have this type of relationship, then you may be able to share all of your fantasies, but if you don’t then be careful about what you say or do. Otherwise you may find it has negative ramifications.

Overall, if you are looking to make fantasy a reality, I suggest finding a small fantasy, something easy to bring into reality and then see if you can tweak it slightly. Enjoy the role-play and then add onto it. You will find that the smallest of fantasies will get the excitement happening, and the imagination move into overdrive even more. An adventurous partner will be diving in to explore more and more with you as you bond and grow closer with what you share.

After divorce from a 13-year marriage that was sexually boring, Paradise embarked on a journey to explore her sexuality and personal development. Leaping into the alternative lifestyle as a mistress and working professionally for a period of time with BDSM, fetishes, kinks, and everything in between, Paradise moved into the Gorean Lifestyle and learnt about the differences between men and women’s natural desires and how their interaction also affects them sexually. Paradise continues to have a mistress/slave relationship that has been ongoing for over a decade and has taken the submissive role in other relationships. Having worked in the adult industry, Paradise has mentored couples on all levels from relationships to sexual desires through to conversation as well as private sessions with couples having hands on experience within a safe learning environment with mentoring guidance.

Tanya Koens – Sexologist and Passionate Advocator of Positive Sexual Relationships

I have so many clients who come in to see me and are worried about their fantasies. Many ask, “What do their fantasies say about their sexuality? Should they tell their partner? Is it “normal” to have these fantasies?”

A fantasy is an imagined occurrence. It is not necessarily something that one aspires to do. Of course, you can, if you choose to, but in most cases a fantasy is a form of sexual expression. It is something that the brain conjures up to increase arousal and desire.

Fantasies can be about situations that are highly unlikely, or they can be quite realistic, such as reliving a past favorable sexual experience. Nancy Friday has written several books, such as My Secret Garden 1 & 2 and Women On Top. These books come from encouraging women from all over the world to write in and share their fantasies. In Women On Top one third of the book is devoted to rape fantasies, clearly demonstrating that fantasy is not always about an anticipated activity. Men will often have homoerotic fantasies and will never, ever want to act on them. And no, those fantasies do not mean that these men are gay.

Fantasies play different roles for different people. For some it helps them to become aroused, for others it’s a part of sexual play or masturbation, whereas others will use fantasy to help them tip over and have an orgasm.

When considering fantasies, think about the three different lives that we all lead. This being the public, the personal and the private.

The Public is what other people see of us. Some people are open and loud about their sexual fantasies. For example, “I love threesomes”, “I like to have sex in public places where I may be caught.” Others may be observed acting out their sexual fantasies in public. For instance, they may dress in a certain manner or carry out sexual acts in public, which is referred to as dogging.

The Personal is what we let those close to us see, like a lover. Our partner gets to experience our sexuality and how we present ourselves. We may share fantasies with our partner as part of our sexual experience or a way of communicating sexual desires to them. This can be a part of foreplay or a part of sexual communication. Fantasies can then be a shared experience or they may play no part at all in your personal relationships. It’s up to you.

The Private is our inner world and this is where many fantasies live. This is exclusive to the individual and unavailable to others, unless the individual introduces these fantasies to the personal or public realms.

It is important to remember that the brain is the largest sexual organ. The role of imagination and fantasy is pivotal for many people in their sexual activities and relationships. Our private realm can really fuel our sexual experience. Just because you have a fantasy, does not mean it needs to be acted on or shared. It is your personal experience and serves to arouse only you.

In answer to the questions above. Fantasies are completely normal. Fantasies do not necessarily prescribe your sexual preferences or desires. They can merely be sexual scenarios that turn you on. And no, you do not have to share your fantasies with a partner or anyone else, if you do not wish to do so. Fantasies are very much a part of your private world and experiences.

Tanya Koens is a well-known and regarded sexologist who runs Surry Hills Therapy, a busy practice in Sydney’s Surry Hills. With postgraduate qualifications in counselling and sexual health, Tanya is a passionate advocator of positive sexuality and relationships. Tanya’s empathic, non-judgemental ways enable her to connect warmly with people and help them with relationship and sexual issues. Tanya sees clients, runs supervision groups/sessions and helps train professions on how to talk about sex with their clients.

In today’s culture of ‘raunchy sex’ I think a lot of people are missing out on the X factor of a calm and focused connection.  In my mind there is no hotter sex than that which involves two people, who are present, connected and prepared to invest some time in their interactions.

Catlin Grace – Wellbeing Coach and Intimate Relationship Whisperer

We all do it. We daydream about how we want our lives to be. We imagine what we would do if we won the lottery, the holidays we would take and the large ticket items we would buy. And, then we go about our daily lives.

It is the same with our sex lives. We fantasise about making love with our latest movie crush, we imagine inviting an extra someone into our bed, we picture ourselves dominating our partner or them dominating us, and the list goes on. Fantasy is endless and it is different for every individual. Fifty Shades of Grey was popular for a good reason; the greatest sex organ any of us has is our brain.

Sexual fantasies are a normal part of anybody’s sex life and this does not mean that you wish to act on them and bring them into reality. Nor does it mean that you are attracted to members of the opposite sex or same sex or that you are looking to have an extra marital affair. What it does mean is that you are exploring the realms of your sexuality within the comfort of your relationship and it is up to you whether you choose to share these fantasies with your partner.

Bringing your fantasies out into the light of day can be an incredible way to deepen intimacy in your relationship as you are both sharing something very personal. Some good ground rules to go by should you choose to do this would be that (a) neither of you is asking for your fantasy to become a reality and (b) all judgment will be left at the door.

For a peek into some common sexual fantasies for women here is a great article.

Caitlin Grace is an intimate relationship whisperer and wellbeing coach and feels she has been preparing for her role her whole life. She is an accredited journey therapist, Reiki level III and  EFT practitioner. Caitlin’s driving passion is to help people live their best lives by empowering them to take charge of their own wellbeing. She is a strong advocate of the mind, body connection and believes we can only be truly well when we have let go of our underlying limiting beliefs. Caitlin has been married and divorced, and has been in her current relationship for 20-years. She has three sons, four step daughters and nine grandchildren. Caitlin is a self-proclaimed Sex Goddess and empowers other women to become the same. For more information, read Caitlin’s blog online or book a session.

Disclaimer: The author’s own professional and personal knowledge, and opinion form the basis of this column. This information and opinion are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment of any manner. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health providers with any questions you may have regarding any medical condition and consult a qualified medical professional before beginning any nutritional program or exercise program. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on InShape News.

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