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Is Having Sex More Frequently a Buzz Killer for a Relationship?

Communication leads to better sex
Photo credit: Lost in Conversation (cropped) via photopin (license)

Pauline Ryeland – Intimacy Whisperer and Somatic Sexological Body Worker

Statistics shows that 15-20% of relationships are now being classed as sexless with couples having sex less than 10 times a year!  This can lead to  problems in a relationship with it estimated that 1 in 2.3 marriages end in divorce and 3 out of 10 relationships are unhappy.

This information indicates to me that part of the problem is that there is not a lot of sex going on in a relationship, which is often due to a lack of good communication. Without communication in a relationship there is no real intimacy shared, and without intimacy there is no sex, this, in turn, can cause strain on a relationship.

So the opposite of that is having lots of sex, which would imply that communication and connection is great, which results in more frequency of sex or sexual connection, is not having much sex at all. Therefore, a couple need to focus on their communication.

Personally, I think there is too much emphasis placed on sex in a relationship. Sex to most individuals typically means intercourse, however there is a lot more to sex than just that.

When couples communicate with each other, they can connect and build more intimacy which will often lead to having more sex.  Let’s face it great sex is good fun and good for you.  Sex creates happy endorphins and allows your sexual energy to move through the body.

Unfortunately though many couples allow the business of life to get in the way of having regular sex and it moves to the bottom of the pile and can becomes a chore.  If however, you keep sex as a priority, then everything flows because when you feed your sexual hungers, you feed your soul and you feed your life force.

Having less sex can be a real problem when one partner has a higher libido than the other. To resolve this, have in-depth conversations with your partner so you can work out how you can move happily forward together.

If, on the other hand, you find that you and your partner are having lots of sex, but you’re not connecting on other levels, then sex may be the only way you are able to feel love or good about yourself.  This may indicate that you need to learn additional communication skills.

For couples who don’t feel a connection except during sex, then the feeling of love is typically just coming from just the physicality of the experience, rather than you connecting your experience to your body, heart and genitals.  Not being able to make this connection means that you and your partner are only really having sex for gratification, which can result in addictive patterning.

Pauline RyelandPauline Ryland is an Intimacy Whisperer and a certified Somatic Sexological Body Worker, Tantra Teacher and Facilitator, and a Master Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). Plus, she’s also an Advanced Subconscious Reprogramming and Errikson Hypnotherapist, as well as a Results Coach & Performance Consultant.

Pauline sees men, women, singles or couples who are experiencing challenges in any areas to do with intimacy and sex, along with relationships and everything in between. She has been working as an Intimacy and Sex Coach, and a Sexual Educator for approximately 5-years.

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Dr Janet Hall – Clinical Psychologist, Hypnotherapist, Author and Professional Speaker

The antidote to fearing that frequent sex is a buzzcutter is to have mindful sex. This means that you completely immerse yourself in the sexual experience using all five senses-smell, taste, sound, touch and sight. Be mindful of every sense and give yourself up to the moment. Be suspended in time and concentrate on being open to surrender – to give more than you receive, expecting that your partner will be doing the same for you.

What is Mindful Sex?

Mindful sex requires open and honest discussion and agreement about both partners expectations. This needs frequent (say weekly) priority, so that you are checking in with your partner about how it is feeling and how to make the sex even better.

In most instances it comes down to commonsense, and making occasional agreements to NOT have sex. For a couple this can work around busy work times or hormonal changes, an for a woman, her menstrual period.

A couple can then plan to have mind-blowing sex as a transitional reward. This requires them to be creative and really plan for the enjoyment of intense sexual arousal and release.

The main factor is that each person must take responsibility for their own contribution to great sex as well as a loving connection during the down times. Putting effort into a relationship often pays off.

We can have it all when we put our minds to it!

Janet HallDr Janet Hall is a Clinical Psychologist, Hypnotherapist, Author and Professional Speaker in Melbourne, Australia. She manages the Richmond Hill Psychology Clinic.

As a psychologist in private practice, Dr Jan specializes in relationship therapy, particularly sex therapy. She is also the author of eight books on family and relationship issues including, “Sex-Wise Teens” and “Sex-life Solutions”.

Dr Jan has created and produced the “Sensational Sex” audio and e-book series – nineteen topics on sexual issues ranging from sex therapy with hypnosis,
to sexual fantasies and strategies for “sparking up” your sex-life.

“A healthy sex life is the right of everyone,” says Dr Jan and she can help you with any sexual issue; from young couples and individuals learning about sex, intimacy, and relationships, right through to helping older individuals and established couples to enjoy the sensational sex that they deserve.

Dr Jan is a well-known and respected public speaker and a favourite with national media for comment on a diverse range of issues. She was the regular sex therapist on Channel 10 for the Sex-Life television program.

Lisa Hughes – Qualified Counsellor and NLP Master Practitioner

Could having sex more frequently really be a buzz killer for my relationship I hear you ask? If having sex frequently can support intimacy, improve your relationship, and you’re both into it, it’s got to be a good thing. Regular sex and orgasms have plenty of health benefits, such as curing insomnia, relieving pain, reducing the risk of heart disease, depression, and high blood pressure, among other things.  Sounds like a magic cure-all, right?  Surely sex should be on the menu everyday.

In fact, recently I saw a couple who had been together for 8-years. They both loved each other and were proud of the fact that after 8-years together they were still having sex 3-times a week without fail. The problem though was they felt like they had lost some of their spark and were more like good friends than lovers.

I identified three key ingredients that were missing in their relationship, unpredictability, anticipation and excitement. Try being spontaneous. It’s a sure way to spice-up your relationship.

This was the couple’s sex routine.  Monday morning started with a quickie, Thursdays when she came home from her yoga class in the evening they’d make love, and again on and Sunday mornings before they headed out for brunch. I advised them to drop the routine for a month and to see what happens.

After a month was up, the couple returned. Immediately I could see the difference in them. They told me how sex became unpredictable and suddenly the anticipation of when they might have sex next left them feeling excited. They actually felt so turned on because the natural flow of sexual energy had time to build-up, they were buzzing and looking at each other with new eyes. This feeling of wanting to be intimate felt so much more fulfilling and exciting.

No one can determine how often is best for you and your partner to have sex. That’s something that two of you should decide. Have open and honest communication with your partner about your sex lives, and determine the frequency yourselves. This will lead to a ‘buzz’.

Lisa Hughes InShapeLisa Hughes is a qualified counsellor and NLP Master Practitioner that specialises in helping men and women overcome any blocks that stop them from having a great sex life. She has helped hundreds of men and women who have experienced sexual abuse or trauma to feel greater love, connection and intimacy in their lives. Lisa is also the creator and of the revolutionary and award-winning “Be Be” vibrator, the first of its kind to be non-phallic in shape, and designed by women, for women. The Be Be vibrator has paved the way for a whole new category of sex toys.

Married for over 23 years with two teenage daughters, Lisa loves yoga, the great outdoors and sex. She can be contacted for coaching and counselling at lisa@lovebeingwoman.com. Her online shop for the Be Be and other love potions are available at www.lovebeingwoman.com.


Disclaimer: The author’s own professional and personal knowledge, and opinion form the basis of this column. This information and opinion are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment of any manner. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health providers with any questions you may have regarding any medical condition and consult a qualified medical professional before beginning any nutritional program or exercise program. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on InShape News.


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