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Sex and Communication

A lack of communication can lead to sexual frustration

Isiah-Rebecca McKimmie – Sex and Relationship Coach and Owner of Passionate Spirit.

Oh yeah!  Let’s Talk About Sex Baby!

Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Our sexual relationships are not any different.

If I could give only one tip for how to improve your sex life, it would be to improve your communication. 

Great communication equals great sex. None of us are mind readers, so it’s important that we learn to ask for what we like and let our partners know what we don’t like in order to have the sex we really want.

Talking about sex can be challenging, but if we’re going to do it, we’d better get used to talking about it. 

Communication around sex needs to start outside the bedroom. Open communication outside the bedroom will allow for more open communication inside it and there are things that are a little easier negotiated before you’re too much ‘in the moment’.

For example:

What do you like?

Are there things that you are just not willing to do?

Is there something you are really wanting to try?

What form of contraception are you going to use?

Many people are worried that if they ask for something different from what their partner is doing, their feelings will be hurt. But what I also hear from people over and over again is that they’d like more direction themselves when it comes to sex so they can really please their partner.

If you were doing something your partner didn’t really enjoy, wouldn’t you prefer to find out sooner rather than later?

Of course, there are ways that we can ask for what we want that is less likely to hurt someone’s feelings. I’ve taught the ‘Praise Sandwich Method’ to many people with great results.

  • Start with a compliment or appreciation.

For example, I love what you’re doing right now…  You really turn me on…  I love how good I feel with you…

  • And then ask for something different. 

For example, what I would really like right now is…  It would really drive me wild right now if you…   Could you try…?

  • Give positive feedback when they get it right.

Thank you, that’s really great!  Oh yeah, that’s it!  Mmm….

Isiah-Rebecca McKimmie is a certified Somatic sex therapist and studied at the Institute for the Advanced Studies of Human Sexuality in the US.  She has additional qualifications in Gestalt psychotherapy and Tantra.  Isiah has now been helping people improve their sex lives and relationships for over five years including working previously as a sex surrogate alongside top psychologists.  Isiah owns Passionate Spirit, a world-wide coaching organisation that inspires love and passion through great sex and better relationships.  Passionate Spirit provides education, practical skills and compassionate support to help people develop self-confidence, more fulfilling sex lives and truly intimate relationships.

Pauline Ryeland – Intimacy and Sexual Coach, Educator and Healer

Statistics show that people who communicate about sex have better sex lives. So if something is not working for you in the bedroom it’s so important to talk about it. Firstly, it is empowering to speak-up about what you like and don’t like because ultimately it is about you. If you continue to allow sexual behaviour to unfold that you don’t enjoy then you are disempowering yourself and that will create a whole series of complications that will show up in other areas of your relationship and life.

Good clear communication with your partner can be tricky at times, and then, when you want to add sex to a discussion it can get even trickier. Yet, it doesn’t have to be this way.

The ideal way to make arrangements, in any relationship, and especially with your your partner is to have clear communication at all times no matter what the circumstances are.  Otherwise, when you have any problems, including any sexual challenges, then these get stored up as a negative back log of issues that aren’t working for you, and then, when something pushes your button, the gates of your negativity storage open and come flooding out.

Most sexual relationships, no matter how fantastic they are in the beginning, can fall into a rut, especially if you stick to the same moves and patterns. This is when you start to wonder why sex has become boring. However, if you work at your sexual relationship, then this need not be the case.


Firstly, when you are actually having sex, make sure you tell your partner how they make you feel. This has to be done in a sensitive and empowering way. For example, a specific move may be happening where fingers are touching you in a certain way and this may be  making you feel super turned on. You can voice this pleasure by saying, “Oh wow, that feels fantastic, don’t stop,” or “I love it when you do that.” You can even talk and guide at the same time. For instance, “Can you go a little lower, yeah that’s it,” and guide their hand.  They won’t be offended because you are obviously enjoying it, moving your body and making appropriate yummy sounds. However, if you are not enjoying something, then you need to tell them by gently saying, “A little softer,” or you could tell your partner, “Sorry, but it’s hurting a little bit or I’m not comfortable.” Another way around this can be to gently take their hand and guide them to where you want to be touched.

One golden rule with this is, if you find that your partner is not pressing the right buttons for you, then be mindful of their feelings because saying, “I don’t like that” or “That’s not working for me,” may make your partner feel inadequate. The best way to communicate during sex is to show them what you like as well as expanding the different approaches and techniques that you use.

A fantastic way for gathering insight into your partner is to watch them self-pleasure. That doesn’t mean jumping in and joining them when you get turned on, it’s about holding back and giving them space. By watching your partner self-pleasure, you will learn more about them and I guarantee that it will give you new ideas or ways to turn them on and you will find moves they do that you haven’t even considered doing before.


When our partner says, “We need to talk,” many of us cringe or go into a panic and ask ourselves, “What’s wrong.” So it’s important to pick the right time to have a discussion. Often this is not straight after sex. Instead, seek an opportune moment, one where you can have no interruptions and have a focused conversation.

Again, it’s how you communicate. It’s very important to watch your language and to ensure you are coming from a place of love, respect and kindness. So if you start off with, “Our sex life is boring,” then I can guarantee that you that will put your partner off-side and hurt their feelings. However if you say, “I love you and I love our sex life, however I would really like to experience a little more excitement in our sex life.” Then that opens communication channels, plus you may find that your partner feels the same, but didn’t know how to tell you.

To move beyond boredom in the bedroom, you could try role playing, which can be very good for a healthy sex life, or you could learn how to massage each other erotically and learn some new moves that turn each other on.

The bottom line is once the communication is open, anything is possible. This includes a brilliant, hot, juicy sex life!

Pauline Ryland works as an intimacy and  sexuality coach, educator and healer and draws on a variety of techniques. She combines working with two different styles of NLP to create change on an unconscious level/and or work with the body drawing on a myriad of healing techniques using energy to promote sexual healing and awakening. Pauline also teaches and educates on how to raise your sexual energy (libido) and interest as well as teaching a variety of Tantric and Shamanic principles including breath work. People who see Pauline are either having challenges with intimacy, sex or their sexuality or are wanting more out of their sexual experiences. She also teach couples how to connect into each more on a deeper level.

Disclaimer: The author’s own professional and personal knowledge, and opinion form the basis of this column. This information and opinion are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment of any manner. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health providers with any questions you may have regarding any medical condition and consult a qualified medical professional before beginning any nutritional program or exercise program. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on InShape News.

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