Putting the ‘X’ Back Into SeX

 INSHAPE NEWS SEXPERT

Catlin Grace – Wellbeing Coach and Intimate Relationship Whisperer

It happens to all of us from time to time, things in the bedroom get a bit “ho hum.” You’ve gone from the giddy highs of ripping each other’s clothes off at any given opportunity to climbing into bed and going straight to sleep. Or maybe you are in the lacklustre phase of mediocre sex, he does ‘abc’ and you do ‘xyz’ and while it’s all very pleasant, nobody is writhing in ecstasy or screaming the place down.

What is the secret to bringing the ‘Wow’ back into your sex life? How can you go from “blah” to “Oh My God? “

As with everything to do with relationships it starts with communication. If you are keen to spice things up in the bedroom and decide to do that by introducing sex toys and you haven’t broached it with your partner, then you could be in for a surprise and it may not be in a good way!

Tell your partner how you are feeling, be honest and upfront and stick to “I” statements: “ I’m feeling …..” , “I would like to try…..”  rather than  “You” statements:  “You aren’t making an effort”, “You always do…”

Sometimes a change of scenery can do wonders for your sex life and it doesn’t mean you have to take a trip away. If you always make love in the bedroom try switching rooms. If you have children, wait until they are sound asleep and then start making out in the lounge. If finances allow, book a weekend away or even just one night. Decide that this weekend is all about sex and nothing else.

Great sex isn’t always about what happens in the bedroom, it’s about building intimacy and openness into your everyday life. For a  truly, deep and meaningful relationship both partners have to feel heard without judgment. They also have to feel appreciated for all that they bring to the relationship. This being in a financial, emotional and physical sense. Make sure your partner knows that you are there for them and that you will not judge anything that they say and that you expect the same in return. This may put the ‘X’ back into your relationship.

Isiah-Rebecca McKimmie – Sex and Relationship Coach and Owner of Passionate Spirit.

I spend my life helping people have better sex. And I know that your responses to this month’s topic will vary from: “How do we spice things up again!?” to “I don’t think it was even there to begin with!” or “But it never left!”

So, what is the ‘X-factor’?

We all have different interests, different turn-ons and different comfort levels around sex.  Therefore, our ‘X-factor’ varies, along with what this involves.

For me, the X-Factor isn’t a ‘what’, it’s an attitude. The ‘X-factor’ is a willingness to push new boundaries, an attitude of openness and  to try new things, to expand my limits of pleasure and to keep ‘the spark’ alive!

The X-Factor for me is:

• eXploring;
• eXperimenting; and
• eXperiencing.

I’m one of those people who finds sex fascinating. So many possibilities! But, I know for some of you, it’s not a big deal at all. And some of you will be wondering, “Why do I even have to bother?”

A healthy sex-life is an important part of your relationship.

Sex can become routine if we don’t give it some attention. This can really decrease the enjoyment of both partners. In the worst cases, couples who’ve let things go flat come into my office asking for help to save the relationship.

It’s important that you can talk to your partner about sex. You might be happy with your current sex life, but is your partner?

Understand that you may both have different needs and desires around sex and you may need to compromise.  Ask, what you could do to make things more enjoyable for both of you.

When you are eXploring new things, be aware that it’s important to have a foundation of trust and that you both feel comfortable with what you’re doing.

Are there things I’m not willing to try?  Absolutely.

Are there things I tried and didn’t like?  Most definitely.

And that’s ok.

Try some of these ‘X-Factor’ ideas:

• eXperience sex with the lights on.

• eXplore different positions.

• eXperiment with toys.

• eXperiment with bondage.

• eXplore your G-Spot.

• eXperiment with oral sex.

• eXplore your fantasies, but just be aware that bringing ‘fantasy’ into real life can have consequences.

If you’re still not sure where to start, are really uncomfortable with the idea of trying new things, or are turned-off by the idea of sex at all, then please seek professional help.

Isiah-Rebecca McKimmie is a certified Somatic sex therapist and studied at the Institute for the Advanced Studies of Human Sexuality in the US.  She has additional qualifications in Gestalt psychotherapy and Tantra.  Isiah has now been helping people improve their sex lives and relationships for over five years including working previously as a sex surrogate alongside top psychologists.  Isiah owns Passionate Spirit, a world-wide coaching organisation that inspires love and passion through great sex and better relationships.  Passionate Spirit provides education, practical skills and compassionate support to help people develop self-confidence, more fulfilling sex lives and truly intimate relationships.

Pauline Ryeland – Intimacy and Sexual Coach, Educator and Healer

When I read this title, all I can think of is WOW. There are so many things to choose from to literally put the WOW back into sex!

If you are at that point where sex has become a bit ‘ho hum’, then it’s time to stop and look firstly at why that’s happening and then take some action to lift your game. Maybe your libido has taken a bit of a holiday and you’ve lost your mojo.  So do a quick check. Question yourself. What’s happening with your health and diet? What’s going on emotionally for you? Are you on any medications which could be affect you?

If nothing has really changed, then perhaps you’re just bored with the same routines and moves, which can tend to happen. So now it’s time to bust out some new moves. Here’s a selection of some of my favourites, which are guaranteed to put the X back into SEX.

1. Gather up some goodies to play with so you can create new sensations and feelings. You don’t have to spend a fortune and you may find things around the house that you can bring into the bedroom.  For example,  a silk scarf or scarves can be easily draped over the body, tied around the eyes for a mask or the hands and feet as a restraint. Others that make for bedroom fun are feathers, furry fabric and a  bowl of ice.  So now that you’ve got these goodies gathered, start experimenting and playing with them. Let your imagination go. Create boundaries with each other, especially if you are tying your partner up. Just make it sensual and erotic and get your partner into a state that has them begging you for more luscious play.

2. Role play also brings some spice back into the bedroom.  You can either go all out and dress up in an outfit and play the role or just pretend to be someone different. You can become very creative, for example go out to a bar and pretend to pick the other one up for a one night stand. This can be very exciting.

3. Set the room up and create an ambience, then give your partner an erotic massage. Have some candles lit, soft music playing, put some towels down and have some really good quality natural oil ready to go.  Make sure the oil isn’t cold and slowly pour it onto their body, especially over the genitals and then start to experiment with touch and give extra attention to the genitals as well.  Nothing feels more erotic than having your genitals slathered in oil and being teased and touched. Again it’s about experimenting and trying new moves.

4. Send naughty text messages through the day. This builds the anticipation for that night. Let them know you are feeling aroused and that you can’t wait to see them. Ask them what are you up to and tell them you are naked! You get the idea. Even if you’ve got kids you can still play with this.  When they get home you can still keep the anticipation going till the kids go to bed. You can whisper things in their ear, “I’ve got no knickers on” or “I hope you’ve got lots of energy tonight.” All of these things build anticipation and with anticipation, the lust and desire builds.

5. If you always are having sex in the bed, find new places in the house or outside in the backyard.  You could even set up a space in the lounge room with pillows, blankets and soft lights. If your partner has a van, go parking by the river.  Jump in the shower together and start soaping each up. This is great foreplay which we forget about as we get into the routine of life. When your sex life is pumping it creates an energy within you which ripples out and effects all areas of your life. Your sexual energy is your life force, so it’s vital to your health and emotional well being.

Pauline Ryland works as an intimacy and  sexuality coach, educator and healer and draws on a variety of techniques. She combines working with two different styles of NLP to create change on an unconscious level/and or work with the body drawing on a myriad of healing techniques using energy to promote sexual healing and awakening. Pauline also teaches and educates on how to raise your sexual energy (libido) and interest as well as teaching a variety of Tantric and Shamanic principles including breath work. People who see Pauline are either having challenges with intimacy, sex or their sexuality or are wanting more out of their sexual experiences. She also teach couples how to connect into each more on a deeper level.

Paradise – Sexual Healer and Mentor

As always, I like to break things down, simplify if you may. X is an unknown quantity. With sex this is always going to be the case. We all like different things, so to find the X-factor, one has to sit and think about how their sex life is currently, and how they can add that edge to make it exciting again so that they contain that all important X-factor, which keeps things exciting and interesting!

I love things like sexual bucket lists, or sending your partner a naughty sms while they are out and ask them to do something, a little naughty, but not pushing anything too far. You need to just add the excitement and not cause someone distress in a task request.

As you have probably heard before, the brain is the largest sexual organ in the body. So much has to do with our thoughts so make it your playground.

KNOW YOUR PARTNER. It’s important when adding that x-factor into your relationship that you are on the same page as your partner. If you’re wanting kinky and your partner is thinking conservative, you need to find common ground where you can begin to explore those x-factors that you want to bring into your sex life, without freaking out your partner!

If you are not in a relationship and you want to try something new, you will often find that just by saying what’s on your mind will find you many willing participants to help you try new things. Always remember, keep it safe, sane and consensual.

Sometimes getting started and exploring your sexuality can be hard. Over time we need to add some new tricks to our repartee for our partner’s pleasure as well as our own. Consider how long you have been sexually active up to your current age and how many more years you would want to be sexually active. If your sex life doesn’t stay interesting, doesn’t have that X-factor, doesn’t change in any way, will you still be interested in 10,15, 20 or more years to the end of your sex life?

Where do I start?

There are many things in day-to-day living that can give you ample ideas for exploration, so that you keep that X-factor in your sex life. If you’re not used to thinking outside the box when it comes to finding that X-factor in seX, then try a little bit of internet research.

Do a ‘Google’ search on keywords that you find interesting, so that you can find out more information. There are many types of list you can find that will help you with ideas. For example, some people have posted their sexual bucket list online. A sexual bucket list is a list of sexual things you want to do before you pass away. You may be very surprised by what’s some of those lists, it’s not all as naughty as you may think. Try searching words like ‘sex list’ or even a ‘sexual checklist’ or for something wilder like a ‘bdsm checklist’.

Put the ‘X’ factor back into your seX life and start planning for a very long and rewarding sex life and relationship!

After divorce from a 13-year marriage that was sexually boring, Paradise embarked on a journey to explore her sexuality and personal development. Leaping into the alternative lifestyle as a mistress and working professionally for a period of time with BDSM, fetishes, kinks, and everything in between, Paradise moved into the Gorean Lifestyle and learnt about the differences between men and women’s natural desires and how their interaction also affects them sexually. Paradise continues to have a mistress/slave relationship that has been ongoing for over a decade and has taken the submissive role in other relationships. Having worked in the adult industry, Paradise has mentored couples on all levels from relationships to sexual desires through to conversation as well as private sessions with couples having hands on experience within a safe learning environment with mentoring guidance.

Tanya Koens – Sexologist and Passionate Advocator of Positive Sexual Relationships

In my practice I often ask couples when they expect to have sex. Most frequently say, “When we go to bed.” I will then ask them, “When do you go to bed?” They respond, “When we are tired.” Then you can see the penny drop.

It is important to leave time for sex. Don’t make it an after-thought, especially after a long and tiring day.  It could be that you make a regular night that is ‘Zen night.’ Zen being no electronic devices, except the stereo, you would then have dinner together, bathe together and unwind and relax.  You may or may not decide to have sex, but you have created an opportunity.  If the daily routine makes it difficult to find time to relax because domestic and family life are interfering, then dub one night of the week ‘Take Out Night’ and take the time you would use on food preparation and cleaning-up and put it to good use in the boudoir.

Once you have found some time, concentrate on your connection with each other.  Take some time to breathe, slow down and step out of the ‘busy-ness’ of life.  If you can, spend some time deep breathing and gazing into each other’s eyes.  It builds connection and intensity.

Tantric practices focus around touch, breath, awareness, movement and sound.  These ingredients are essential for present and connected sex.  Each ingredient is not difficult to achieve, it is just about taking time with each other and not rushing.

Spend time touching each other.  Don’t go straight for the erogenous zones, explore and listen out for your partner’s breathing, any sounds or movements they make in response to your touch.  Tease them by touching close to erogenous zones, but then shying away again. Take your time.  When you do get to the erogenous zones, don’t grab and rush, touch gently and tease, insinuate that there will be more touch coming, but take your time.  Don’t go straight to their favourite places and start pushing buttons, leave room for anticipation.

Here are a few pointers to put the X factor back into your relationship:

Guys touch your partner down the sides of her body, let your hands suggest that they may wander over to her breasts. Touch the inside of her thighs, working slowly up to the genitals.  You can use small fluttery kisses to help you journey to her sacred space. Start with openhanded touch of the genitals and work your way from the outside of the thighs to the inside.  It’s the suggestion of more focused touch that can make her shudder and vibrate.

Girls take your time to reach the genitals.  Stroke and kiss his belly and inner thighs, and just hint that you may touch his penis.  Watch him quiver at the merest suggestion of it.  If you are going to touch, just tease with your finger tips or finger nails if you have them. Or use a cheeky flick of your tongue and then go back to caressing his thighs and belly.  Keep this up for a while and he will be aware of your every touch, kiss and lick. When you do eventually touch his penis he will be feeling electric.

Remember to read your partner.  Take time to watch them and listen to their responses.  If they look like they are enjoying your touch, then continue. Then when you get to intercourse, meet each other’s eyes, hold your gaze and feel it as you both connect.  Entwining hands can also enhance connection.

See how you go by slowing things down, focusing on breath and touch and responding to your partner’s breath, movement and touch.  In my mind, it’s a sure fire way to get that X factor going.

In today’s culture of ‘raunchy sex’ I think a lot of people are missing out on the X factor of a calm and focused connection.  In my mind there is no hotter sex than that which involves two people, who are present, connected and prepared to invest some time in their interactions.

Tanya Koens is a well-known and regarded sexologist who runs Surry Hills Therapy, a busy practice in Sydney’s Surry Hills. With postgraduate qualifications in counselling and sexual health, Tanya is a passionate advocator of positive sexuality and relationships. Tanya’s empathic, non-judgemental ways enable her to connect warmly with people and help them with relationship and sexual issues. Tanya sees clients, runs supervision groups/sessions and helps train professions on how to talk about sex with their clients.

Disclaimer: The author’s own professional and personal knowledge, and opinion form the basis of this column. This information and opinion are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment of any manner. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health providers with any questions you may have regarding any medical condition and consult a qualified medical professional before beginning any nutritional program or exercise program. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on InShape News.