INSHAPE NEWS SEXPERT
Pauline Ryeland – Intimacy Whisperer and Somatic Sexological Body Worker
Once a week sex is definitely better than no sex, especially when statistics show that 15-20% of relationships are having sex less than 10-times a year. This is now being classed by the experts as a sexless marriage.
Also what is defined as sex? Is it penetrative only? Can sex also mean being sexually intimate? I believe that it can be, however the majority of people will be thinking that sex once a week, means sexual intercourse.
So is once a week enough?
This will be very much dependent on each person as an individual as to what they require. Quite often in relationships there is one partner that has a higher libido and wants to have sex more than the other.
The first thing is to look at what those differences are and how you can navigate your way around this and come-up with some agreements that work for you both.
There are many contributing factors to making a happy relationship however if there is no communication, there will be no intimacy, and without the intimacy there is very little chance that there will be any sex, even once a week.
It’s important for all relationships to look at their values and what makes them happy, independently as well as when they are together.
In my experience with the couples that I work with, if they are having minimal sex then it usually means there are some underlying problems, which require addressing. Often libido can play a very big role in whether you are interested in sex or not as well as many other factors, such as health, work, stress and time. Often the intimacy disappears and when that happens the desire for sex also vanishes. There are many things that can be done to bring your libido back.
If you are both happy and genuinely enjoy and care about each other, then there will automatically be more sex.
Pauline Ryland is an Intimacy Whisperer and a certified Somatic Sexological Body Worker, Tantra Teacher and Facilitator, and a Master Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). Plus, she’s also an Advanced Subconscious Reprogramming and Errikson Hypnotherapist, as well as a Results Coach & Performance Consultant.
Pauline sees men, women, singles or couples who are experiencing challenges in any areas to do with intimacy and sex, along with relationships and everything in between. She has been working as an Intimacy and Sex Coach, and a Sexual Educator for approximately 5-years.
Dr Marie Tudor – General Medical Practitioner, Family & Sex Therapist, Couples Counsellor and Hypnotherapist
Sex is an important contributor to couple intimacy. Kissing, cuddling, sharing thoughts and feelings also helping to build a sense of intimacy and connection.
Q: When does the frequency of sex matter?
A: When it matters to one or both in the relationship!
Couples CAN live together happily for years without sexual intimacy. They find non-sexual ways to stay connected. These couples prioritise other aspects of their lives: e.g. careers or hobbies.
If only one complains about the frequency of sex, then the topic needs to be seen as an important concern for the couple to address.
No one individual ought to be ‘singled out’ as the one at fault when it comes to frequency of sex. A couple need to decide what style of intimacy will best support their relationship. Sometimes only small shifts in the expression of care, concern and appreciation can allow a feeling of acceptance of a mismatched interest in sex.
Is ‘once a week sex’ enough? Hmmm – that depends on many factors.
What phase of the relationship are you in? Early months and years? What are your beliefs and expectations about sex in a long-term committed relationship? How busy are you with work? How tired are you both at the end of each day? Do either of you have health issues or chronic pain which affect sexual desire? What are the practicalities of finding private time together? People working long hours and in the busy years of parenting can struggle to find a weekly ‘date’.
Single parents can be restricted to once a fortnight dates when the kids are with the ‘ex’. Do these people think once fortnightly is enough? They are less likely to take this precious couple time for granted!
If this were your last week together, would you be pleased with the effort you had both put in to looking after the intimacy between you? Would you be comforted with happy memories of enjoyable sex that was frequent enough to have you both content with your role in caring for the relationship whilst you were together?
I believe that planned once a week ‘dates’ for a couple is far better than not ever planning regular time together. If these occasions give rise to enjoyable ‘once a week sex’, they would reinforce the foundations of the relationship and help it flourish. Spontaneity isn’t essential unless you believe it is.
Plan and enjoy!
Dr. Marie Tudor is an Adelaide (Australia) based general medical practitioner, family and sex therapist, couples counsellor and hypnotherapist. She is a Fellow of the European Committee of Sexual Medicine.
Marie has worked as a sexologist since 1992 and brings a wealth of experience, compassion and energy to her work with the people who consult her.
Dr Janet Hall – Clinical Psychologist, Hypnotherapist, Author and Professional Speaker
Good lovers are constantly crafting a plan to make the next time the best time for making love. They take into account different personalities and their best/worst times for energy – some people are best in mornings, some in afternoons, some evenings (and some lucky folk are good for it anytime!). They vary the place for the lovemaking and take responsibility to create a sensual ambience.
However for some folk, sex once a week is enough. Their satisfaction comes from knowing that they put their minds into creating quality love-making in that one sexual experience. It would not be satisfying to have a “quickie” of the wham-bam style where the sex is over as soon as the man ejaculates. That rarely allows the woman to build-up the excitement to explode in orgasm.
The once a week sex-date is eagerly awaited. In quality sex there is attention to detail and mutual pleasuring. The couple will have discussed what really turns each other on and the best way for the woman to orgasm. They share the anticipation of building good feelings towards each other, knowing sex is going to happen at the agreed time of the week.
For the special weekly sex date the couple agree to create an erotic and sensuous, ambient space for sex – a space for lovemaking where you can maximize every possible sensory stimulation.
Make the temperature of the lovemaking space warm or cool – depending on the external temperature. If it’s cold, heat the place up. If it’s hot, put on a cooling fan so things don’t get uncomfortably sweaty Light candles or lamps and use soft, ambient lighting to create a soft glow in the room.
Use essences or incense burners or aromatic candles that send off a yummy and arousing scent. Have soft, sensuous furnishings that feel beautiful to touch. Have flowers and soft fluffy towels.
Have sensuous foods to eat and your favorite drinks handy. Have practical things like tissues and lubricant to hand to ensure comfort and care.
If it’s true that music soothes the savage beast, why not try it to enhance good sex? Take the time to study the kinds of music that are sensually arousing and put together a collection of evocative music which you only play when you are having sex. One of the most famous pieces of music for getting turned on is the ‘Bolero’ – the classical piece by Ravel. If you are not sure what music your lover likes and gets turned on by, ask! I assure you that you will both enjoy the added arousal and relaxation that music brings.
So the “once a week is enough” couples can relax and enjoy their intimate time together –so long as they create a wonderful space where anything can happen that is consensual and hot!
As a psychologist in private practice, Dr Jan specializes in relationship therapy, particularly sex therapy. She is also the author of eight books on family and relationship issues including, “Sex-Wise Teens” and “Sex-life Solutions”.
Dr Jan has created and produced the “Sensational Sex” audio and e-book series – nineteen topics on sexual issues ranging from sex therapy with hypnosis,
to sexual fantasies and strategies for “sparking up” your sex-life.
“A healthy sex life is the right of everyone,” says Dr Jan and she can help you with any sexual issue; from young couples and individuals learning about sex, intimacy, and relationships, right through to helping older individuals and established couples to enjoy the sensational sex that they deserve.
Dr Jan is a well-known and respected public speaker and a favourite with national media for comment on a diverse range of issues. She was the regular sex therapist on Channel 10 for the Sex-Life television program.
Lisa Hughes – Qualified Counsellor and NLP Master Practitioner
There is no doubt that sex contributes to the state of a relationship. In my work with couples, sex is the number one concern that is having an impact on their relationship. Most couples don’t realise how powerful sexual energy is until it’s brought to their attention.
I’ve worked with one couple that were having sex, more than once a week, yet felt dissatisfied in the relationship. They were both very physical and always managed to find time for quickies throughout their busy schedules to release their sexual energy. They were both highly compatible and never really argued. They had no financial worries and were fulfilled in their work. So why weren’t they feeling as happy as they should?
This couple like many, had not considered that emotional intimacy along with physical intimacy was crucial for maintaining a happy relationship. Even though they enjoyed an active sex life, they had never really taken the time to create space in their lives for expressing on a deeper level how they were really feeling. Instead they filled their time with keeping busy and avoiding any emotions that deep down had made them feel vulnerable. As part of their homework they were to turn their bedroom into a sacred space when they were going to make love.
This involved music, candles, lighting, a soft bed throw and scented natural oils. With these additions which aroused their senses, they were able to engage in deep intimate conversations that they would not normally have had. Their relationship transformed onto another level. They ended up having sex less often and instead had a deeper more fulfilling experience both physically and emotionally. They have never been happier.
Lisa Hughes is a qualified counsellor and NLP Master Practitioner that specialises in helping men and women overcome any blocks that stop them from having a great sex life. She has helped hundreds of men and women who have experienced sexual abuse or trauma to feel greater love, connection and intimacy in their lives. Lisa is also the creator and of the revolutionary and award-winning “Be Be” vibrator, the first of its kind to be non-phallic in shape, and designed by women, for women. The Be Be vibrator has paved the way for a whole new category of sex toys.
Married for over 23 years with two teenage daughters, Lisa loves yoga, the great outdoors and sex. She can be contacted for coaching and counselling at firstname.lastname@example.org. Her online shop for the Be Be and other love potions are available at www.lovebeingwoman.com.
Disclaimer: The author’s own professional and personal knowledge, and opinion form the basis of this column. This information and opinion are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment of any manner. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health providers with any questions you may have regarding any medical condition and consult a qualified medical professional before beginning any nutritional program or exercise program. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on InShape News.