The Art of Foreplay

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Catlin Grace – Wellbeing Coach and Intimate Relationship Whisperer

Foreplay is an art form that doesn’t get much recognition, other than the old jokes, but it is a skill that is worth developing.

So what constitutes as good foreplay and how can you move from good to great?

Foreplay begins well before you have reached the bedroom. In fact,  it is the million little gestures that you have made to your partner all day long. These subtle gestures let your partner know that they are on your mind and that you are thinking about them, even while you are working and going about your daily routines. Think of it as stoking the fire. Each simple act of connecting with your partner is one more piece of wood on the fire of their sexual yearning.

These acts can be simple actions, such as calling to say hello or letting them know that you are on your way home. Emptying the rubbish bin, without being asked or carrying out some other menial task that lightens your partner’s load. This tells them that you care. Thoughtful gestures like bringing home their favourite chocolate because you know they have had a hard day or offering to rub their feet or shoulders also go a long way.

Anticipation is a great foreplay technique and can be put to great use through the use of texting. Tantalising your partner with all the juicy things that you would like to do to them when you get home. Keep the fires burning all day.

Then when you get home, greet each other with a delicious and lingering tongue tangling kiss and a deep hug. These actions let both of you know that sex is still on the agenda and adds to the heightened sexual tension that you have been building all day.

Kissing is vital to great foreplay. The softest of kisses can be the most erotically charged. Allow your tongue to flick playfully over your partners lips as this can allude to things to come. Kissing and licking the lips and mouth begins to arouse all of your senses as hormones are released in the saliva, which, in turn, starts the release of pheromones throughout the whole body. Soon you are immersed in a full sensory load of touch, taste and smell, as well as the sound of your partner’s breath. This heightened awareness then takes the whole adventure to another level.

Now that you and your partner are engaging in the physical aspects, it is time to bring in the element of caressing. Allow your hands to stroke and caress all parts of your partner . Rather than moving straight to the obvious erogenous zones, trail your fingers gently down the arms or over the thighs. Then, before you know it, you will have your partner begging you to touch them there. Anticipation, building excitement and prolonging the inevitable are the keys to great foreplay.

Caitlin Grace is an intimate relationship whisperer and wellbeing coach and feels she has been preparing for her role her whole life. She is an accredited journey therapist, Reiki level III and  EFT practitioner. Caitlin’s driving passion is to help people live their best lives by empowering them to take charge of their own wellbeing. She is a strong advocate of the mind, body connection and believes we can only be truly well when we have let go of our underlying limiting beliefs.

Caitlin has been married and divorced, and has been in her current relationship for 20-years. She has three sons, four step daughters and nine grandchildren. Caitlin is a self-proclaimed Sex Goddess and empowers other women to become the same. For more information, read Caitlin’s blog online or book a session.

Isiah-Rebecca McKimmie – Sex and Relationship Coach and Owner of Passionate Spirit.

Let’s get something straight, foreplay is ‘coreplay’.  Therefore, the art of foreplay is the art of being a good lover.

Before we get into the ‘how to’ let me explain why foreplay is an essential part of sex, especially for women.

Women’s bodies are complex — and magnificent — pieces of equipment that experience complex changes in order to prepare for sex. These changes take about 20 minutes to occur. So let that span of time be a guideline for the time spent on foreplay.

• Natural lubrication occurs as a result of high levels of oxytocin, often referred to as ‘the love hormone.’ This is released when we engage in sexual or loving touch.
• The uterus moves up and back due to contraction of the muscles which hold it in place. Thus, allowing the vaginal canal to comfortably accommodate a penis.
• The erectile tissue in the vulva must engorge. Yes, women actually have as much erectile tissue as men in their genitals. When this is given time to engorge fully, it becomes more sensitive. 
• The vaginal canal opens.

Without allowing these changes to take place, a woman is not likely to get as much enjoyment out of sex and in some cases it can be painful!

Foreplay doesn’t just start when you get into the bedroom. Foreplay, as far as I’m concerned, is anything that gets your engine revving.

Men – you want a woman to be open to you, to be begging for you to take her. The way you do that my friend is through great foreplay.  When you touch a woman, touch from the outside in – Don’t go straight for the ‘good bits’ make sure she’s ready.

It might take women a little longer to warm up than men, but once we’re hot, we’re hot.

The ‘art of foreplay’ is about enticing your lover.

Be playful, sensual, cheeky and sexy.

Take your time – get things hot, then cool them back down. 

Let go of the goal and enjoy the entire experience.  

If you ‘warm up’ properly your eventual orgasm is likely to be a whole lot better. 

So learn to master the art.

Try these as a way to warm up:

• Sexting
• A candle-lit dinner with suggestive strokes of the thigh
• A good old-fashioned make-out session
• Massage with lots of delicious, scented oils
• Gentle strokes and caresses
• Kissing the entire body
• Experiment with feathers, ice and fingernails

Isiah-Rebecca McKimmie is a certified Somatic sex therapist and studied at the Institute for the Advanced Studies of Human Sexuality in the US.  She has additional qualifications in Gestalt psychotherapy and Tantra.  Isiah has now been helping people improve their sex lives and relationships for over five years including working previously as a sex surrogate alongside top psychologists.  Isiah owns Passionate Spirit, a world-wide coaching organisation that inspires love and passion through great sex and better relationships.  Passionate Spirit provides education, practical skills and compassionate support to help people develop self-confidence, more fulfilling sex lives and truly intimate relationships.

Pauline Ryeland – Intimacy and Sexual Coach, Educator and Healer

The definition of foreplay in the dictionary is ‘sexual stimulation prior to sex’. However, what the dictionary doesn’t take into account is the obvious differences between men and women.

Women are centered on ‘the heart space’ and men on ‘the genital space.’ Somewhere in between there has to be communication.  Basically, every woman and man has different desires and needs. So it’s the navigation between these that can become tricky.  What worked in a previous relationship may not work in the current one. Therefore you need to explore, experiment and not be static with “your moves”.

Most women desire an emotional, heart space connection first, before getting down to the sexual foreplay.  Whilst yes, it is sometimes great to be grabbed and thrown down on the kitchen table and to be devoured, we don’t want that all the time.

On the other hand, men like to be acknowledged as well. They secretly like to be told how great it is when they carry out an action.  Acknowledgement goes a long way.

3 Hot Juicy Tips for the Men

• Women like to talk. We like our brains turned on.  So start at the beginning of the day. Send a sexy text. Tell her she looks beautiful. Do the dishes, so she doesn’t have to. Pay attention to her in some way.  Have communication of some sort.  If you ignore her all day and then expect sex when you fall into bed, chances are it won’t happen.
• Undress her slowly. As you take each layer off it exposes just that little bit more. Pay attention to those bits. Tease her.  Anticipation is a huge turn on.
• Don’t go straight for the obvious. We don’t want our breasts grabbed or fingers being inserted straight away.  We usually like a slow dance and lead up.  Touch with light caress. Kiss and nibble our necks and our tummy’s. Just explore our bodies slowly and learn to watch for the signals. Tune into our breath and get a sense of when to touch our breasts. As we get warmed up you will notice when it’s time to move down the body. There are lots of erogenous spots all around our body and vagina. Explore with fingers, your tongue, kisses and gentle nibbles. Apply different pressures. You will know by our reaction when it’s time to move from foreplay to intercourse. Just remember some women will take longer to reach orgasm than others.

3 Hot Juicy Tips for the Women

• Undress your partner slowly. If he’s standing up, move around him caressing him as you go. Tell him he can’t touch you yet. Build the anticipation. Once he’s naked you can sit him down on the bed or chair and then do a slow strip tease. Again let him look but not touch. Turn around and let him really look at you. This is a huge turn on for him. Alternatively, you can leave your lingerie on for a little longer. Mix it up and see what works.
• Add intrigue. Once your partner is naked, instead of sitting him down, stand behind him and start to caress his back and chest, kiss and lick him. Even wriggle your body up and down him.  Move your hands down his body and caress his manhood from behind.  Let your hands start to play slowly.
• If oral sex appeals to you, then use your hands as well as your mouth. There is more than a penis down there, so explore with touch and pressure, both with your hands and mouth. He will love it.

At the end of the day, if you want a happy, healthy sex life with your partner it needs to be communicated. Tell them when you like certain actions. Guide them when you desire them to carry out a certain act. And, always remember to play and explore. It’s not about how many orgasms you have as a women or how long you can hold off for as a man.   Unfortunately society is too fixated on this. Instead, think of sex as a beautiful journey. Get the outcome out of your mind and enjoy.

Pauline Ryland works as an intimacy and  sexuality coach, educator and healer and draws on a variety of techniques. She combines working with two different styles of NLP to create change on an unconscious level/and or work with the body drawing on a myriad of healing techniques using energy to promote sexual healing and awakening. Pauline also teaches and educates on how to raise your sexual energy (libido) and interest as well as teaching a variety of Tantric and Shamanic principles including breath work. People who see Pauline are either having challenges with intimacy, sex or their sexuality or are wanting more out of their sexual experiences. She also teach couples how to connect into each more on a deeper level.

Paradise – Sexual Healer and Mentor

Where to begin? Well, in my opinion,  it should never end!

Foreplay should be ongoing. Not reserved for when you get behind that closed bedroom door.

As soon as we mention foreplay, most people will automatically think of the basics like the kissing, touching, or intimacy that begins before you actually have sex. Technically that’s correct, but it should start long before you get anywhere near touching the other person.

Foreplay is ‘an art’. Often we forget about putting in that extra bit of effort before we get to the good stuff.

Firstly, it helps to know some basic information about the genders to help make foreplay all that easier. This way you don’t have to pull any special tricks out of your bag or back pocket. Plus, if you learn a few basic fundamentals about the differences between men and women, then apply these basics, then the rest will just flow naturally and with ease.

Let’s talk about men and the basics first. Men are visual, so get used to it girls. Yes they like to perve, leer at magazines, and sit glued to the porno channel for hours on end. Why? Because, men like to look. It’s no reflection on you or anything negative. So stop thinking that they don’t want you or are fantasizing about other women, it’s not that at all. They just love to admire the female form. Learn to let them and encourage it. Instead of being concerned about it, put their visual appreciation to work and have him looking at you with lust.

Women, on the other hand, are emotional. We need to ‘feel good’ about ourselves in order to want to be intimate. For men that means paying attention to the new hairdo. Show her she is appreciated. Making her feel special. It’s really not that difficult, you just need to pay her a few more compliments here and there and to not take her for granted.

“If a man makes a woman the centre of his world, she will give him the universe.”

With these basic fundamentals under your belt, you can then start your foreplay and remember to make it continual. It’s all about making your partner feel good, right? When we feel good, we are more sexually active.

Once you have gotten your partner’s attention, then give them some of those looks. You know, the cheeky grins, and the little innuendos that you use to tease them into a more erotic mood. This will then bring on those more intimate moments where physical contact will begin.

When in the bedroom, pay attention to the entire body and not just the genitals. Use the moment with your partner to explore their body. Listen to the sounds they make. Watch their body movements. Just remember that what has happened during the day can effect what makes them go ‘mmmmm’ in the bedroom. So make sure you have a variety of moves during foreplay and sex. Don’t make foreplay or sex routine and the same all the time. Make it last. Savour your partner. Tease and tantalise them to the point where they are absolutely wild with need and desire.

Look at your partner with lust in your eyes. Let them see how much you want them. Then when you’re being intimate, show them how much they mean to you. Pamper them with your foreplay. Don’t rush. Devour your partner slowly This way they will remember that passion and look forward to the next intimate moment with you.

Overall, it can be said that practice makes perfect. Practice and hone your “art of foreplay”.

After divorce from a 13-year marriage that was sexually boring, Paradise embarked on a journey to explore her sexuality and personal development. Leaping into the alternative lifestyle as a mistress and working professionally for a period of time with BDSM, fetishes, kinks, and everything in between, Paradise moved into the Gorean Lifestyle and learnt about the differences between men and women’s natural desires and how their interaction also affects them sexually. Paradise continues to have a mistress/slave relationship that has been ongoing for over a decade and has taken the submissive role in other relationships. Having worked in the adult industry, Paradise has mentored couples on all levels from relationships to sexual desires through to conversation as well as private sessions with couples having hands on experience within a safe learning environment with mentoring guidance.

Tanya Koens – Sexologist and Passionate Advocator of Positive Sexual Relationships

Foreplay can mean different things to different people.  To some people foreplay is a necessary task before getting to “the good bits” of sex, whereas others see it as a wonderful part of an intimate journey.  Foreplay may also be viewed as connective, sensual and an essential part of a relationship with a partner.

In my practice, I find that foreplay is often quite misunderstood by many people.  Many males and even females are not aware of how a woman’s body works. For women foreplay is essential before considering intercourse.  Let me explain.

Sadly it appears that in today’s busy world the time for foreplay is waning and the art of foreplay is dying for countless people.  I meet many couples who treat foreplay as a bit of a “flick and a twiddle” before getting to the main event of intercourse.  For some, they can be too tired to go through what they regard as unnecessary or time consuming activities. It also seems that most of the sexual activity for many couples is geared around intercourse and the lead up to orgasm for the male. This, unfortunately, doesn’t take into account the fact that many women do not find intercourse as stimulating or as pleasurable as some of the activities that they engage in during foreplay.

The “flick and twiddle” approach to foreplay can be problematic in many ways.  Some women can experience pain or discomfort if attempting intercourse before their body is ready. I am alarmed to discover that as many as18 to 22 percent of young women experience discomfort during intercourse.  I think that much of this can be addressed by learning the art of foreplay and really taking some time to ensure the woman is physically and mentally ready for a penis to enter her.  Many of the men that I speak to in my work really want their partner to experience pleasure in their love making and foreplay is an excellent way of ensuring this.

Research tells us that women need at least 15 minutes of foreplay before their bodies are actually ready to receive a penis.  In fact, it can take up to 40 minutes before a woman is fully “warmed up”, turned on and aroused.

Did you know there are many steps to female arousal?  First a little light needs to go on in the brain “Oooh I may have sex”. This then sends a red hot signal down through the central nervous system to the genitals. As foreplay starts and continues, blood will then begin to rush into the area, things start to swell as they get engorged with blood and essentially wake up. This then leads to moisture, which is produced by the Bartholin’s glands that are located near the vagina’s opening and the vaginal walls, as foreplay continues.  The inside of the vagina then balloons and swells into those 15 minutes of play and stimulation. In addition, all of the pelvic floor muscles drop down to make way for a penis.  Amazing eh?  So it stands to reason that a bit of a flick and a twiddle won’t suffice for many women.

It’s interesting to have a look at the energetic side of things as well. The art of foreplay is about getting the both of you to a calmer state. You need to be more relaxed and transported  away from the stresses and pressures of the world.  Gazing at each other, kissing and touching, caressing, and taking time to explore all make for a more serene you. Try not to jump straight into genital stimulation. There is so much more to explore.  I tell many couples that foreplay starts with “How was your day?”  Take the time to connect with each other. This really helps you to be able to connect with each other not just physically, but energetically as well.

Speaking of energy, women differ from men in that their sexual energy takes a while to warm up and turn on. This sexual energy is kind of like a pot of water on the stove that needs a flame underneath it to bring it slowly and surely to the boil. Men can be this flame as their sexual energy can come on quickly and burn strong.  So although there are differences between men and women, they can be very complimentary.

Take some time and invest in foreplay with your partner. It’s not just women that enjoy foreplay, men do too. Remember that it is an investment in your intimate relationship and will pay you dividends in many areas of your life.

Tanya Koens is a well-known and regarded sexologist who runs Surry Hills Therapy, a busy practice in Sydney’s Surry Hills. With postgraduate qualifications in counselling and sexual health, Tanya is a passionate advocator of positive sexuality and relationships. Tanya’s empathic, non-judgemental ways enable her to connect warmly with people and help them with relationship and sexual issues. Tanya sees clients, runs supervision groups/sessions and helps train professions on how to talk about sex with their clients.

Disclaimer: The author’s own professional and personal knowledge, and opinion form the basis of this column. This information and opinion are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment of any manner. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health providers with any questions you may have regarding any medical condition and consult a qualified medical professional before beginning any nutritional program or exercise program. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on InShape News.