Is Having Sex More Frequently a Buzz Killer for a Relationship?
Pauline Ryeland – Intimacy Whisperer and Somatic Sexological Body Worker
Is having sex more frequently a buzz killer? Statistics reveal an interesting trend. Now, 15-20% of relationships are classed as sexless. Couples in these relationships have sex less than 10 times a year! This can lead to problems in a relationship with it estimated that 1 in 2.3 marriages end in divorce and 3 out of 10 relationships are unhappy.
These stats indicate part of the problem. There is not a lot of sex going on in a relationship. This situation is often due to a lack of good communication. Without communication in a relationship, there is no real intimacy shared. Without intimacy, there is no sex; this, in turn, can cause strain on a relationship. To improve this, couples should consider having sex more frequently to boost their connection.
The couple that communicate well typically have more sex or sexual connection. They feel attracted to each other and want to spend as much time together as possible. Therefore, a couple who lacks intimacy needs to focus on their communication.
What is Sex?
However, often, there is too much emphasis placed on sex in a relationship. Sex, to most individuals, typically means intercourse. However, there is a lot more to sex than just that.
When couples communicate with each other, they can connect. This communication helps build more intimacy. It will often lead to having more sex. Let’s face it: great sex is good fun and good for you.
Sex creates happy endorphins and allows your sexual energy to move through the body.
Having Less Sex
Unfortunately, though, many couples allow the business of life to get in the way of having regular sex. It moves to the bottom of the pile. As a result, it can become a chore. If you keep sex as a priority, everything flows. Feeding your sexual hunger feeds your soul and your life force.
Having less sex can be a real problem when one partner has a higher libido than the other. To resolve this, have in-depth conversations with your partner to work out how to move happily forward together. This approach enables you to enjoy sexual encounters without feeling pressured or even bullied into having sex.
For instance, not all sexual encounters in a relationship are not consensual; some are violations of personal boundaries. Acts such as forceful intercourse, sex at a time that is not mutually agreeable, and rough or hurtful acts that do not take the other person’s physical or emotional well-being into consideration are sex crimes. Therefore, there must be a healthy understanding of sex in a relationship.
Having Sex More Frequently
If, on the other hand, you do have a healthy understanding of sex in your relationship, and you’re having more sex, but you’re not connecting on different levels, then sex may be the only way you can feel love. It might also be the only way you feel good about yourself. This may indicate that you must learn additional communication skills and delve deeper into your background.
The feeling of love often stems from the physicality of the experience for some couples. They don’t feel a connection except during sex. It does not involve connecting the experience to your body, heart, and genitals. If you can’t make this connection, you and your partner are only having sex for gratification. This can lead to addictive patterning.
Pauline Ryland works as an intimacy and sexuality coach, educator and healer and draws on a variety of techniques. She combines working with two different styles of NLP. These styles create change on an unconscious level. She also works with the body, drawing on a myriad of healing techniques. She uses energy to promote sexual healing and awakening. Pauline teaches methods to raise your sexual energy (libido) and interest. She also teaches a variety of Tantric and Shamanic principles, including breath work. People who see Pauline may have challenges with intimacy, sex, or their sexuality. Others might want more from their sexual experiences. She also teaches couples how to connect into each more on a deeper level.
Dr Janet Hall – Clinical Psychologist, Hypnotherapist, Author and Professional Speaker
The antidote to fearing that frequent sex is a buzz-cutter is to have mindful sex. This means that you completely immerse yourself in the sexual experience using all five senses-smell, taste, sound, touch and sight. Be mindful of every sense and give yourself up to the moment. Be suspended in time. Concentrate on being open to surrender. Give more than you receive. Expect that your partner will be doing the same for you.
What is Mindful Sex?
Mindful sex requires open and honest discussion and agreement about both partner’s expectations. This needs frequent (say weekly) priority. You should check in with your partner about how they are feeling. Discuss how to make the sex even better, and talk about having sex more frequently.
In most instances, it comes down to common sense and making occasional agreements NOT to have sex. For a couple, this can work around busy work times or hormonal changes, and for a woman, her menstrual period.
A couple can then plan to have mind-blowing sex as a transitional reward. This requires them to be creative and prepare for the enjoyment of intense sexual arousal and release.
The main factor is that each person must take responsibility for their contribution to great sex. They must also foster a loving connection during the down times. Putting effort into a relationship often pays off.
As a psychologist in private practice, Dr Jan specializes in relationship therapy, particularly sex therapy. She is also the author of eight books on family and relationship issues including, “Sex-Wise Teens” and “Sex-life Solutions”.
Dr Jan has created and produced the “Sensational Sex” audio and e-book series. It covers nineteen topics on sexual issues. These topics range from sex therapy with hypnosis to sexual fantasies. It also provides strategies for “sparking up” your sex-life.
“A healthy sex life is the right of everyone,” says Dr Jan. She can help you with any sexual issue. This ranges from young couples and individuals learning about sex, intimacy, and relationships. It also includes older individuals and established couples enjoying the sensational sex they deserve.
Dr Jan is a well-known and respected public speaker. She is a favourite with national media for comment on a diverse range of issues. She was the regular sex therapist on Channel 10 for the Sex-Life television program.
Lisa Hughes – Qualified Counsellor and NLP Master Practitioner
Could having sex more frequently really be a buzz killer for my relationship I hear you ask? If having sex more frequently supports intimacy and improves your relationship, it’s got to be a good thing. You’re both into it. Regular sex and orgasms have plenty of health benefits. They can cure insomnia and relieve pain. They also reduce the risk of heart disease, depression, and high blood pressure, among other things. Sounds like a magic cure-all, right? Surely sex should be on the menu everyday.
Recently, I saw a couple who had been together for 8 years. They both loved each other. They were proud that after 8 years together, they still had sex 3 times a week without fail. The problem, though, was they felt like they had lost some of their spark. They felt more like good friends than lovers.
I identified three key missing ingredients in their relationship: unpredictability, anticipation and excitement. Try being spontaneous. It’s a sure way to spice up your relationship.
This was the couple’s sex routine. Monday morning started with a quickie. Thursdays, when she came home from her yoga class in the evening, they’d make love. They would also make love again on Sunday mornings before heading out for brunch. I advised them to drop the routine for a month and to see what happens.
After a month was up, the couple returned. Immediately, I could see the difference in them. They told me that sex became unpredictable. Suddenly, the anticipation of when they might have sex next left them feeling excited. They felt so turned on. The natural flow of sexual energy had time to build up. They were buzzing and looking at each other with new eyes. Wanting to be intimate felt so much more fulfilling and exciting.
No one can determine how often is best for you and your partner to have sex. That’s something that the two of you should decide. Have open and honest communication with your partner at any age about your sex lives, and determine the frequency yourselves. This will lead to a ‘buzz’.
Lisa Hughes is a qualified counsellor. She is also an NLP Master Practitioner who specialises in helping men and women. She helps them overcome any blocks that stop them from having a great sex life. She has helped hundreds of men and women who have experienced sexual abuse or trauma. They have found greater love, connection, and intimacy in their lives. Lisa is also the creator of the revolutionary “Be Be” vibrator. This award-winning product is the first of its kind to be non-phallic in shape. It is designed by women, for women. The Be Be vibrator has paved the way for a whole new category of sex toys.
Married for over 23 years with two teenage daughters, Lisa loves yoga, the great outdoors and sex. She can be contacted for coaching and counselling at lisa@lovebeingwoman.com. Her online shop for the Be Be and other love potions are available at www.lovebeingwoman.com.
Disclaimer: The author’s own professional and personal knowledge, and opinion form the basis of this column. This information and opinion are not a replacement for professional medical advice. They do not substitute diagnosis or treatment of any manner. Always seek the advice of your physician. Consult other qualified health providers with any questions you may have regarding any medical condition. Consult a qualified medical professional before beginning any nutritional program or exercise program. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on InShape News.
