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REAL LOVE Part 10: “All About Honesty (Do You Really Want it?)”

REIKI NEWS & REVIEW:

By Columnist Camille Lucy – Certified Holistic Health Coach & Reiki Practitioner:

 

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Photo Credit: Mulan, 2014, Love

 

Yes, “Honesty is the best policy.” Thanks, Will (William Shakespeare). He continues, “No legacy is so rich as Honesty.” Quite a gem, indeed!

Being true to ourselves, saying what we mean and meaning what we say are certainly key components of a free life. And we all say we want honesty from other people in our lives. In fact, it’s usually high on our list of “must-haves” for a relationship. People get so hung up on it, though, that they spend all too much time over-thinking and questioning others’ words and actions looking for loopholes and evidence of dishonesty. That’s the ego, again. Afraid to get burned, it becomes the grand investigator and leaves no stone unturned in its pursuit of dirt.

The Truth Behind Honesty

What I find most humorous, albeit quite disheartening, is that often when we say we want honesty, we don’t really want honesty. If we did, why would we punish someone for telling us the truth? How many times have you been truthful with someone about something and they became defensive or cruel in return? Maybe they even went a step farther and used that information against you at a weak moment or during an argument. Sure, they told you to be open with them. So why didn’t they handle your voice with care?

Oprah Winfrey said, “Truth allows you to live with integrity. Everything you do and say shows the world who you really are. Let it be the Truth.” Real love holds a sacred space for another to be themselves in their raw form. Anything less is conditional love. Workings of the ego. It’s that fear button that gets pushed and triggered and takes over the heart space.

Being Too Honest

In a previous relationship, I began it like I always do: too honest. I would tell anything and everything proudly, without hesitation. Sounds good, right? The only problem was that it was not received as intended. My openness was seen as threatening. I felt it was exploited, that I was treated as though I was doing something “wrong.” I then began to defend myself, my past and things that really meant nothing in the big picture of life and love. I became more like a science project, picked and pulled apart, prodded and left one big open mess. I spent more time talking about (and justifying) exes and experiences I had that I did living in the actual, present relationship.

Comparisons and Guilt

Suddenly, who I was felt not good enough. It felt as though my previous partner(s) wanted me to create a time machine and go back and redo my past to make sure I didn’t do anything that fed their insecurities. So they could be the “only” one and the best of everything. No competition. No comparisons. Well, how’s that for unrealistic? As I have mentioned, real love doesn’t judge. It especially doesn’t judge your past. It accepts you for all that you are. It’s appreciative of all your experiences because they brought you to where you are right now. It understands that there were people before it, and there may be people after it.

What are Lies?

Now, not only was I seemingly being punished for being honest and open in my last relationship, sharing all of me but ironically, I also felt I was being fed lies and deception at the same time. By all accounts, this felt very contradictory, very frustrating and very unfair. I was completely understanding the first few times I was lied to. I said, “That’s ok. I understand you were afraid. I am a safe place, you can talk to me.” Though I did my job, providing a safe and trustworthy space for honesty and authenticity, I never felt that it came. It seemed that fear was chosen over love, time and again. Gary King said, “Every lie has a consequence…..you cannot escape that.” This dynamic brought out a very unpleasant side of me. I should have just excused myself sooner from the relationship, peacefully, instead of allowing it to tear at me piece by piece. But, for whatever various reasons, I held on a while as I let the damage accrue. And so did he.

The way I see it, there is no (real) reason to lie. If you feel there is, then you’re in the wrong place. Go someplace else. Lies stem from people getting caught up in reacting from ego and out of fear. But, love is about seeing a bigger picture. Seeing the human. The human is flawed. There are some unpleasant truths about humans, that’s the way life goes. If you can accept them in another person, that’s unconditional love.

The ego is threatened by the human in others. Tad Williams said, “We tell lies when we are afraid… afraid of what we don’t know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger.” Real love recognizes the human, embraces him or her. In the big picture, weighing life and love, flaws are nothing. They are but a drop of water in the ocean. Real love doesn’t even see flaws, it sees an imperfectly perfect soul standing before them.

Scrutinizing Others

So much time is spent scrutinizing partners that the present moment is stolen away. And all we ever have is the Now. We live in each moment and no other. We all have energy. We are all energy. We get to choose what to do with that and where to apply it. Remembering that we get what we send out, I would certainly say that choosing to love feels better than choosing fear.

With technology today, social media, disappearing videos and finger-print locks on smartphones, it’s easier than ever – and encouraged – to keep privacy intact. Though I find technology to be a great platform for so many wonderful reasons, and it has great benefits, I do find that it can make it very easy for people to be sneaky. We have to be more conscious than ever that we don’t fall into the trap of secrecy. Remember, we are as sick as our secrets.

Real Trust

When someone shares with me, I remain in heart space and allow love to be my voice of reason. I consider it a real privilege that someone would trust me enough to share their heart and mind with me. That is real trust. It is our job in a relationship to be a safe space for the other person to be themselves. It is our responsibility to handle their voice with care, to extend our hands and hearts and envelope them with warmth. If we meet them with our ego, attack or condemn, we are not treating them with love. And if we cannot give love, why are we in the relationship?

It’s all too common that partners judge the other for what they say or do. And that is not real, unconditional love. If you say you want honesty, respect it when it’s given. Cherish it. It’s such a beautiful gift. Being allowed into the inner workings of another person is such a blessing! The greatest honour that can be bestowed upon us.

Take a step back next time something you hear or see upsets you. Reach inside and find the root of the negative emotions. Your ego is reacting for a reason. And it’s not really about your partner. It’s something you have come to believe over time through conditioning. You are protecting yourself from being hurt. It’s not personal to him or her. In this way, you can release them from the burden and pain of having to become guarded and ultimately save your relationship. And your self.

If you say you want honesty, then, by all means, start treating it as something you want. Be grateful for it! It is most certainly a priceless gift.

(Real) Love and Honesty

It takes courage to open up and be honest with another person, knowing that you cannot predict or control their reaction. But, the cost of dishonesty is a far steeper price to pay than any lashings you may get as a result of your truth. And you are in full control of your reaction to their reaction! Similarly, be gentle with others as they confide in you. Remember how it takes strength to open up to another. Shift your perspective into gratitude; appreciating the fact that they trusted you enough to come to you in the first place. What an honour. Real love can only exist where there are transparency and truth.

LOVERCISE (Excercise)

Reflect on your relationships. Think about those that you share full transparency in, and those that you do not. Additionally, think about times you felt deceived, and times there were honesty and openness. As you reflect on this, ask yourself these questions:

  1. How does it feel when you lie to others? 
  2. How does it feel when others are dishonest with you? 
  3. How does it make you feel when you are able to be open and honest with someone?
  4. How does it make you feel when someone trusts you enough to be open and honest with you?
  5. Have you punished someone for speaking their truth? 
  6. In what ways can you live more by your truth in your relationships?
  7. In what ways can you be more sensitive to those that speak their truth to you? 

Vera Nazarian said, “In the kingdom of glass everything is transparent, and there is no place to hide a dark heart.” Live your life in a kingdom of glass. And encourage others to do the same. To lead a life where love is your focus and guiding light, you must open the doors. Let the light in. Let it shine on your truths, your heart, your voice. All of you. And invite others into that magnificent kingdom to share in all its glory.

Next month I’ll cover “The Top 5 Ways to Truly Love Someone”

In this 11-part series, I have taken excerpts and information from my book, “The (Real) Love Experiment: Explore Love, Relationships & The Self,” to teach about (real) Love and what it means. I will discuss how relationships are the backbone of our existence, how we can utilize them for the unique opportunity to see parts of ourselves needing to be healed, and how loving ourselves is the greatest gift we can give and receive. I will also discuss how behaviour patterns such as fear, omissions, trigger buttons and desires tie into our relationships and ultimately the quality of our lives. I will then conclude with the ‘Top 5 Ways to Truly Love Someone (and Yourself).’ At the end of the 11-part series, you should have a better understanding of the inner workings of your mind, heart and soul and should begin to feel more joy, love and fulfilment both in your relationships and your life in general.

 

About Our Reiki News & Review Columnist – Camille Lucy

Camille LucyCamille Lucy is a Certified Holistic Health Coach, Certified Reiki & Raindrop Technique Practitioner, Ordained Holistic Minister, graphic and web designer, business consultant, and Vice President of a local non-profit that “rehabilitates people through animals.” She is also a writer, a Mother of 3-girls, an artist, a Life-and-Love Junkie, a Self-Expression and Development advocate, and – well, you get the point. She’s a lot of things, just like all of us. Camille is also author of, “The (Real) Love Experiment: Explore Love, Relationships & The Self.” Learn more about her and her adventure(s) at www.CamilleLucy.com or on social media at @LiveFullToday.

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Disclaimer: The information published in this column is the author’s professional opinion, based on their knowledge. This information is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment in any way. Always seek the advice of your physician with any questions you may have about a medical condition. Also, always consult a qualified medical professional before beginning any nutritional program or exercise program. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on InShape News.

 

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